~Someone to Talk to~
By Shayla C. Durbois
The day outside the café could not make up its mind, sporadically raining on and off, allowing gleams of golden sunlight and then yanking them back as if by mistake, the curtain of clouds descending to fill the gap like a frenetic stage hand playing a joke on the audience waiting for the show to start, who thought, indeed that the show had started already, hadn’t it?
Undisturbed by the turbulence outside, a woman named Kaori sat at a booth reading a heavily marked text. The font was highlighted in places, underlined in others, tiny notes filling the margines like cobwebs from an industrious spider. Occasionally, there were Post-It notes with looping handwriting where the space proved insufficient for her thought.
She leafed through the pages, thinking, sipping a cup of black coffee. She could have been anywhere from mid-40s to mid-50s from the depth of self-assuredness in her eyes, a calm quiet, an authentic and unfakable seafoam green. But even sitting still, Kaori emanated an energy, a joyfulness, such that the waitress couldn’t help glancing back and thinking she was a younger woman. There weren’t many other customers to attend to, and there was something…drawing about this quiet older woman. No, her style was genuinely of the previous generation, floral patterns, soft heavy fabrics, a mocha-colored blazer that denoted some sort of administrative position. A person in charge surely, if not in name, then in actual fact, one of those facts that are not acknowledged by titles or wages, but in the glances from other colleagues looking to see what she thought.
Out of the blithering day, another woman, much younger, entered the café. Her long hair was buried beneath a knit scarf which she immediately began unwinding from her neck. Several bags, a shoulder bag, a satchel, a backpack, and others, all hung off her shoulder as if she were not a person but a coat rack. She stopped at the booth with Kaori and dumped the many bags into her seat. Arden removed one coat, another, a hat, and another scarf, all the while apologizing.
“Sorry I’m late, I missed the bus. Had a paper to finish today, got it in right under the wire.”
Up close, it was easy to see the fatigue underneath the fluster. Her mascara had smudged throughout the day like a pot leaking soil, leaving dark circles under her eyes. She fell into the booth and continued removing the many, many layers. Kaori smiled and closed the book before her, tucking it away into her purse.
The waitress arrived to take their orders. Shaking her hand out of one more coat, Arden grabbed the menu on the table. Kaori watched the younger woman’s hands. The nail polish must have looked lovely the previous week for whatever event Arden had applied it, but it was now chipped and ragged, and made her long fingernails look rotted and ruined. On closer examination, Kaori realized the hat Arden pulled off had been placed specifically to cover greasy hair. Kaori cocked a brow.
“I’ll have a cappuccino please.”
“And two of your scones,” Kaori added.
The waitress took down their order and left.
Kaori looked at the younger woman and let the moment breathe. Always best to let young eagles roost first.
“How are things?” she asked once Arden settled.
Arden flopped forward onto the table, hiding her face in her arms, her long hair tumbling over her like a curtain. She mumbled something more like a groan than noises that formed meaning.
Kaori suppressed a smile. “Come again?”
Arden sat back up, her face red, her mascara further smudged so that the poor girl now looked a bit like a raccoon.
“It’s been a week.”
Kaori dipped a napkin into a glass of water and passed it to her.
“What happened?”
Arden wiped the mascara off, sighing.
“Nothing. That’s the stupid part. I know it’s nothing but, I just...” She took a deep breath like she was just keeping herself from drowning. She whipped the last smudges of mascara off and laughed at herself.
“Sorry, I was fine like two seconds ago. It’s just that when you look at me that way, I know I don’t have to hold it together anymore.”
The waitress arrived, setting down the cappuccino and two scones with a satisfying clink. Arden pressed the napkin over her eyes as though the dim café light pierced too close now that the veil had lifted.
Kaori pushed a scone over to Arden.
“Thanks. I’m so hungry.”
“College students are always hungry,” Kaori said with a wink.
Arden sipped her cappuccino and took deep breaths.
“Have you been getting enough sleep?”
“Sort of… No… Not really. I’m trying.”
“Maybe catch up this weekend.”
“Can’t, I’ve got like, five more assignments to start, readings, I’d like to get to the gym tomorrow, and I’ve got plans tonight... and tomorrow night.” Stress filled her voice.
Kaori put up her hand. Arden stopped. She pointed to the scone.
“Eat.”
Arden took a big bite.
“You can’t chew on tomorrow’s problems today. Better to just feed yourself today, go to sleep, and trust that when tomorrow comes, you’ll have what you need.”
Arden hung her head, glum.
“Now, tell me what’s really going on.”
Arden kept her eyes down, chewing.
“It’s a boy, isn’t it?”
Arden nodded with shame. She took another big bite, stuffing her feelings. Kaori suppressed another smile.
“So, what’s the problem?
“I just... it’s so stupid.”
Kaori waited. Arden sighed.
“It’s like... I’ve been on high alert, looking for him all week, and then today, when I did finally run into him... I made a complete fool of myself.”
“I’m sure that isn’t true.”
Arden now wore a colorful balloon hat, clown nose, and oversized gloves.
“Believe me. Complete. Fool.” A balloon flew behind her with a long low whine as it lost air, flying all over the place. “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even know my name,” she muttered.
Kaori reached across and pulled off the clown's nose.
“Well, why don’t you introduce yourself?”
Arden pulled off the gloves and balloon hat, tossing it all into the booth behind her.
“After today? No way. I’d rather stick my head in a hole. Join the army. Move to Alaska. Shave my head and become a monk...” She stuffed her mouth with more scone.
Kaori pulled a bottle of nail polish remover from her bag and doses a napkin. She reached across the table, took Arden’s hand, and began removing the nail polish. Arden stopped, stunned. Her eyes moistened.
“What’s he like?”
“Tall, quiet.”
“You don’t know.”
“No. We haven’t had a real conversation.”
Kaori looked up, her eyes filled with tender affection. “Arden, this is lust.”
“What? No, it’s not!”
“Lust is anything that you want so badly that it robs your peace.”
Arden stared back in shock, her mouth hanging open as understanding dawned.
The first hand, now clean of chipped nail polish, Kaori moved on to the next hand.
“Yeah, but it can’t be a bad thing that I’m looking around, taking an interest.”
“There’s nothing wrong with interest, but you don’t actually know who he is. You’ve created an idea of him in your mind. You’re obsessing over something that doesn’t exist. It’s not fair to you, or him for that matter.” Finishing with the polish remover, she took out lotion and rubbed it into Arden’s hands. “It’s so important who your life partner is because you end up seeing yourself through their eyes. Be sure you haven’t chosen someone that doesn’t actually exist.”
After a long moment, Arden sighed.
“What do I do then? I feel like I’m drowning. I don’t know if I can climb back out.”
“You’re caught up in yourself: focus on someone else besides yourself. Get your roommates and go do something. Find out how they are.”
Arden huffed and looked away. “I don’t think so. Well, maybe Bex, but I’m done with Lilly.”
“Why?”
“She said the rudest thing to me, in front of a whole group of our friends. It came from out of nowhere. I did nothing to precipitate it. I’ve been so nice to her. Baked her cookies on her birthday... Then she just walked up from out of nowhere and said... ugh, I don’t even want to repeat it. The whole group was shocked into silence.”
A slow circle of blood pooled around the knife sticking out of Arden’s back.
“What did you do?” Kaori asked.
Pained, Arden reached for the knife over her shoulder while she explained.
“I was so surprised, I thought I misunderstood her, so I laughed, and then I left, and then I cried. I wish I had said something back. But I’ll be on my guard for next time. She’s been doing this since we moved in together. I don’t know why she hates me so much, but I’m gonna give her a taste of her own medicine.”
“No. Don’t retaliate.”
“What? Why not? I’m just supposed to let her get away with—”
Arden couldn’t quite reach the knife, and she looked ready to just yank it out and do herself some real damage. Kaori gestured for her to twist and lean forward. She did, and Kaori pulled the knife out, pressing a wad of diner napkins to the wound.
“She’s showing you who she is, what’s on the inside of her, and I guarantee you every one of your friends knows it. Maybe they’re too scared to speak up or say anything to her, but out of the overflow of the mouth, the heart reveals itself.”
Arden held the napkins to her back shoulder, a bit shaky and pale.
“But, that’s so unfair.”
Kaori places a red solo cup on the.
“How you respond reveals what’s inside you. If you have a cup filled with vinegar, and someone knocks over the cup,” she knocked over the empty cup, “what comes out?”
“... Vinegar?”
“Yes. If the cup is filled with honey, what comes out?”
“... Honey.”
“How you respond shows what’s inside you. If you respond with spite, you were filled with spite to begin with.”
“But... what am I supposed to do with the hurt?” Arden tossed the bloody napkins onto the table.
“Feel it.”
The first rose petal landed in the cup of water. The next onto the pile of bloody napkins. They fell like slow confetti around the two women as Arden stared.
“... what?”
“Let it hurt you, and then forgive,” Kaori said.
The petals stopped, leaving a blanket of sweet-smelling red over the table, the booth, and the women.
“And keep offering myself up as a punching bag? I’ve played that game before, it doesn’t end well,” Arden said.
“There’s a difference between forgiveness and trust. If you don’t forgive the person, you end up carrying them around with you. I don’t want that for you. Let her go and respond in love. Always love.”
“I think she needs some tough love.”
Kaori smiled and signaled to the waitress.
“You’re probably right, but make sure it’s love and not punishment.”
Kaori gave the pile of bloodied napkins and knife to her. When the waitress left, the rose petals were nowhere to be found, and sitting in the booth opposite Kaori was a little girl with the same long dark hair.
“Do you ever get tired of smiling?” the child asked, soul-deep exhaustion filling her voice.
“What do you mean?” Kaori asked.
“I just feel like... I’m out of step with everyone else. Like I have to slow myself down to keep pace with them...”
Kaori reached across the table, took the child’s hands, and spoke softly.
“You just do your rhythm, child. You let the rest of them catch up to you when they’re ready. Don’t look back.”
She squeezed her hands, sat back, checked her watch, and pulled out her wallet.
“Alright dear, I have another appointment to get to.”
Arden, the grown woman, fished through her bag for her wallet.
“Oh, put that away, it’s my treat.” Kaori signaled to the waitress for the check.
“Thanks, Kaori. Sorry I was late.”
“No trouble at all. I always love to see you. Have a wonderful time at your party tonight.”
“I’m not gonna go. I need a break.”
Kaori took out a twenty, left it on the table, and slid out of the booth with her bag. Arden quickly followed and gave Kaori a tight hug.
“Fly high, darling,” Kaori whispered into her ear.
Arden slid back into the booth, and the waitress returned with the check.
“You and your mom have a beautiful relationship.”
“She’s not my mom. She’s my mentor.”
When the waitress left, Arden picked up her phone and made a call.
“Hey, do you want to get dinner tonight? Just you and me? Yeah, I decided not to go. I want to hear how you’re doing... cool. See you at seven.”
She put the phone away and looked out the window. Then she notices something strange and looks down.
Her hands were covered in honey. Glistening, a cobweb of golden stringing as she pulled her hands apart. She rubbed her fingers together over the sweet smooth texture, thinking.
Arden got up and walked much lighter, wearing a single clean coat and bag. At the booth, the pile of bags, coats, and scarves was nowhere to be found. On the table were two empty cups and two small plates with a few remaining crumbs.
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Loved this - thank you