FREE FICTION READING BELOW
Dear Reader,
There is a reason that the first thing a child learns to do is fail. It’s preparation, for all the failures they must attempt in life.
This is the thought that went through my head as I lay belly down on a surfboard, which quite frankly was too small for me, paddling headfirst into strong, cold pacific waves. I perceived with clarity only possible under these fresh, startling conditions, that failure is a friend we make when we are very small, and it is a gift.
Kindergarten was hell for me. I was just barely hanging on but the fingernails my little five-year-old hands. The kids were mean, they didn’t get me, I didn’t like the teacher, the crayons were always a jumbled mess, and everyone else seemed to move forward in assignments I couldn’t crack. In summary, I just didn’t think I could hack this whole “school” situation. Seeing as I didn’t really have any other options, I decided to just put my head down, bear it, and hope I didn’t draw too much attention to my failure habit.
Then at some point, I don’t remember exactly where in the year we were, I noticed I was improving. Just the slightest bit. I was listening to all of the teacher’s instructions (or at least hanging in there a little longer). I was coloring inside the lines. My handwriting was a little less wobbly, and the spelling a little more inventive. I was even learning which kids to avoid.
I finally grasped the calendar—stapled into the corkboard at the front of the classroom—delineated how many months I would have to stay in this hellhole. Staring at it, listening to the teacher explain which day of the week it was, it dawned on me that if I just kept coming to school, I would get better. By osmosis, by simply showing up and giving my best effort, I would learn what needed to be learned. If I was willing to grind through all the boulders, tapping away at the obstacles with my little pick-ax of determination, I would forge a trail behind me.
In retrospect, this tiny moment was monumental for me: I had learned that if I accepted failure and just kept going, eventually I would succeed and make it to the other side.
This is the beginning of learning how to fail. When we are young, it comes naturally because there are so many opportunities. When we get older, it becomes much easier to avoid the uncomfortable feeling of egg on the face. There is a stigma around failure. We treat failure as something bad, something to be avoided. The problem with this is that when we succeed in avoiding failure, then we succeed at nothing else.
Artists understand this down to our bones, in the fingers which tap out keys, play notes, and smudge charcoal. All of art is about experimentation; trying something out, learning from it what went right and wrong, and what went right that we didn’t anticipate. We then seek to replicate the thing that worked, while avoiding the aspect that didn’t, and in consequence encounter a whole new set of failures and successes.
Failure is an inevitable consequence of doing something new, and therefore should be embraced.
We must be willing to face rejection and develop scrappiness if we are ever to achieve the dreams we secret away in our hearts. Failure is a gift that wakes us up and makes us alive and attentive to all that’s going on in life. To me, a life of failure is never to be regretted so much as a life of carefully curated comfortability that never tried for what it really wanted.
A caveat to this: I am not advocating failure for failure’s sake. Training ourselves to endure and push through failure is just as important to cultivate wisdom and know when to walk away from toxic situations. Failure too long can create a victim mentality. Psychologists call this “learned helplessness.” For example, there are some relationships in our lives that will never be healthy, will remain abusive, and we must walk away from them for our own mental and emotional health. There are some friends we need to fire. The whole point of failure is to learn different ways to succeed, but there really are some situations that are completely unwinnable, and we need to have the wisdom and humility to recognize that and walk away.
Albert Einstein said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” If failure is guaranteed in a certain area of your life, succeed instead by learning from it and knowing when to walk away.
A bit of transparency: I will share my dreams with you, and a little of my journey. Hopefully, it will inspire you to face your dreams and embrace your failures. I dream of publishing novels, composing screenplays, and directing TV and feature films. A couple of months ago I wrote about my experience as a Script Supervisor. In case it didn’t come across in that letter, let me make it very clear here and now: I spent the first three days in abject failure.
Thanks to my experience in kindergarten, I knew if I just hung in there, I would eventually begin to get the knack for it. The gift of so much failure so close together is that you’re highly motivated to learn, and by the end of day three, I was making helpful contributions. I can look back on that week and see the moment of success, victory in the face of defeat.
With that victory tucked into my back pocket, I looked towards Los Angeles and the next major boulders to begin chipping away at: finding a job, and finding housing. I hunted job boards, attended seminars on LinkedIn, resume and cover letter writing, and asked for informational interviews. I consulted a realtor, looked on apartment.com, scoured craigslist, and skirted scams. It was daunting, discouraging, and disheartening. How the hell was I supposed to gain a foothold in LA and not go crazy or end up on the street? I’d taken a major risk moving all the way out here when I was perfectly comfortable in Connecticut with friends and family who love and support me, where people were willing to hire me.
Jobs notified me they were not interested or didn’t notify me at all. The clock was ticking, and all the while I was learning what skills I had to offer, strategizing good options for breaking in, determining where I should live, and what I was looking for in a living situation. Failure teaches us important things about ourselves, such as what we need and don’t need to lead happy lives.
I scheduled apartment visits. The first couple were a bust and I anticipated it might take several trips up to LA to find the right place. If I had called it quits that day and not visited the next housing option, I would not now be living in my beautiful home in Inglewood.
One of the jobs called me back and we scheduled an interview. They decided to hire me, and I now have my first job in entertainment, at an office in Hollywood. I see the Hollywood sign every time I drive to work, and it fills me with awe.
I knew going into this new industry that there would be a sharp learning curve, which is a fancy way of saying “great failure upfront for great success in the future.” Let me say very briefly: I was right. I am now once again in the “failure phase,” but you can bet I’ll be hanging in there.
There is a term in Hollywood to describe this cycle of work hustle: “Fail Forward.”
How very fitting.
A parting thought: failure is not the obstacle between you and success. It’s the bridge.
For a few more words on failure, watch this video with Denzel Washington.
Well said.