The Hormone Games

A Monologue

The Hormone Games

~

The Red Tsunami.
Aunt Flo.
Code Red.
Shark Week.
Lady Business.
That “Time of the Month.”
What time?
You know, Moon Time.
Game of Thrones came the closet, I think: The Red Wedding.

By the end of our time together, I will be the hero of every woman, and no man will be able to look me in the eye for a solid—you guessed it—month.

Because it’s the Great Mystery. It only comes around ever twenty-eight days or so, so why should we need to understand it, or ever talk about it?

But I raise the white flag, bloodied, I waive it, because I think there are certain things you ought to understand. Certain things we need to set straight.

First of all, it’s not just a ‘once a month’ situation. Ooooh no. There’s a whole complex interconnected turning of cogs and chemical levels going on inside our bodies. A rise of hormones, a fall of hormones, again, very similar to Game of Thrones, and the only thing you can count on for certain: Winter Is Coming. We don’t know when, but we read the signs of the times, the shifting in the season, and we feel the chill in the air.

The best trick of this chemical process is leaving you utterly confused and confounded as to where in the month you actually are. One moment you’re flying sky high, motivated, and nothing anyone says or does can rain on your parade. You are gracious, perceptive, a gentle queen. The next: friend becomes foe, the world flips, no one can be trusted, alliances are broken, and you are still a queen… not dark but beautiful and terrible as the dawn! Tempestuous as the sea and stronger than the foundations of the earth! All shall love me and despair!!!!

So, let’s break down these Hormone Games, where the odds are never in your favor…

Ground Zero:

You are dropped into the arena. Immediate bloodshed. Some tributes don’t make it past this first bloodbath. They’re down for the count, ripped up by guts trying to eviscerate themselves, all in the fight for human life. Fun fact for the hairier sex, from day 0 to 5, prostaglandins, which are lipid compounds that regulate body function, wash through our bodies. This causes the uterus to contract and blood vessels to constrict, which has been known to cause dizziness and, we’ll call it an ‘aggressive evacuation of the bowels.’

There’s a rush to the cornucopia for resources: pads, tampons, stretchy pans—no, not light ones, the dark ones, please. Can’t let your enemies see you bleed. Weapons? Yes, we’ll need defense. Something to keep warm at night, heating pads. Food, oh God the food. Berries, salad, meat, cookies, chocolate, damn-it just give me the whole elk. Bleeding takes calories. Slow down on the chips? Why? Because bloating? Maybe drink less water? We’re only 80% water, after all.

Our bodies have spent three weeks growing another organ. For what? I’m so glad you asked. The furtherance of the human race, of course. And then on the fourth week, the body decides (no written approval required) that it doesn’t need the organ. So, it rips itself from our body and just… throws it away.

Why all the blood, you ask? Well, you see, it’s due to a wound. A rather large one, actually. A raw wound on the inside of my body. That’s called ‘internal bleeding’. You know, like soldiers sometimes get from shrapnel in war when they bleed out and die. It’s like that, only every month, from the age of 12 to 55, I get to have that. So, give me the damn cookie.

One:

Let’s talk chemicals. Estrogen and progesterone are at their lowest during this phase.

Estrogen is in both men and women, by the way. Too much estrogen and we have mood swings, depression, anxiety, soreness, fatigue, and worsening of premenstrual syndromes. Too little estrogen? Hot flashes, trouble sleeping, migraines. So, in addition to wanting to eat everything in sight (and the things not in sight because you cleaned your panty three weeks ago when you were feeling motivated and fresh and resolved to not eat junk food) you now have a pounding in your head. Food helps a little, and Advil, and caffeine, but it’s still there, that slight pounding in your head, from the time you wake up till the moment you go to sleep, because of the drop in estrogen.

(Men also experience negative symptoms from too much or too little estrogen, but I’ll let you look that up on your own time.)

Two:

Progesterone does a number of things, but speaking emotionally, progesterone increases the production of GABA, a neurotransmitter that promotes feelings of relaxation and well-being. During this phase, progesterone drops, so fewer GABA neurotransmitters for us. Yay.

Some scientists remark that it’s not uncommon to feel lethargic during this period of time.

You don’t say.

Three.

Hide in a tree.

Four.

Eat some cookies. More more more.

Five.

Patch up your wound, stretch out those legs with some namaste.
Pull back the branch and blink at the light,
You just survived one more winter, one more night.

That’s one week, gone.

Six

We now enter a tenuous season. The Follicular Phase. Estrogen and testosterone are on the rise, an ideal time for muscle growth. So, shake out that hair, string your bow, and go for a run. Take stock of the territory: what has the winter destroyed? What remains of your relationships, those you called friends? Nope, that one gone. Thank God I listened to my better angels and didn’t text that one, choosing instead to white-knuckle it and bite my tongue.

Seven, Eight, Nine

Estrogen helps bone health, heart health, brain function, skin and hair health. It’s spring. Everything replenishes. Your charms are slowly returning. The air doesn’t cut quite so deep on your skin. Slowly, slowly, you come out of your shell. Other’s words become harmless. Untargeted. No one’s out to get you. In fact, they might even like you.

Ten, Eleven, Twelve

Energy surges. You are suddenly feeling competent, capable, and in control. You dig your life out of the mess it fell into. Your stamina—wait, stamina? You have stamina!!! Good God, when you ease out of the car at the end of the day, your bones don’t creek like you're eighty-five. Not only are you stronger, your pain tolerance is higher. Your creativity is in full swing, like new buds on a branch. Fresh ideas swim in your head, your creativity is in full bloom. You are witty, smart, and articulate. This season is prime time for forging alliances because nothing is on the line, and you are witty and smart and charming and articulate. So go on, knock ‘em dead!

Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen

Fun fact from a scientific study: when estrogen rises, it causes subtle shifts in your soft tissue. This hormone literally increases the symmetry of your face. It enhances your curves. Why? Again: the furtherance of the human race. So, when you look in the mirror, you’re not imagining it: your skin is clear and fresh, your angles are perfect. You are, you really really are, the fairest in the land.

Fifteen

Ovulation. Don’t worry, this isn’t where things go wrong. Well, it is the beginning of the end, as they say. But now you’re flying sky-high. Your mood and your energy are at their highest. You are at your most beautiful, your most powerful, you’re sexiest state of being. Why?

The furtherance of the human race.

Sensing a trend here?

Sixteen

Estrogen, testosterone, and even serotonin levels ride the currents of the upper atmosphere. We’ll keep with the seasons metaphor and call this summer. The luteinizing hormone and follicle-stimulating hormone are playing for keeps, and on this LH surge, in conjunction with serotonin and dopamine, you float on feelings of happiness and well-being. So share that positive energy with others.

You’re motivated, outgoing focused. New ideas surge into your mind. It’s like you’re connected to a higher plane of thinking. Was that always there? Yes. You’re just more receptive now. Embrace your confidence, and keep building muscle.

Seventeen

Your metabolism and progesterone are reaching their peaks. This means you really do need to eat more food. Why? Well guess what, lucky you, you’re about to start going another organ. Anyway, gotta support hormone balance, so it’s best to increase healthy fats. Oh! That’s why I want all the salt and butter on my popcorn. All for healthy egg development, of course.

Let’s talk career: you’re attractive, sociable, confident. Have those important conversations. Be your best self. Those things that felt hard, no, not hard, impossible? Go ahead, take them on. You can’t lose.

But be careful… this surge in estrogen? If you’re prone to anxiety, well let’s just say you’ll feel a tad overwhelmed these days. Nothing a cup of tea and a quiet corner can’t fix. Rest up…

(You’re going to need it).

Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty

After summer comes fall… the Luteal Phase. Feel that chill in the air? Yeah… bundle up butter cup.

The eleven days — almost two weeks — leading up are sneaky. Devious. THIS is when PMS comes. Not during the bled letting, before. So there’s no real external sign that the hormonal realm inside your skin suit is certifiably off its rocker.

I take that back, there are signs: little red hives, pimples, sprout up on your previously blossoming face. Now: red, blotchy, oily. Oh, that’ll go away in about two weeks or so, depending on how enflamed they get, and how much you pick at them. Ooof, that one’s gonna leave a mark. You know, you can combat that by cutting out sugar. No, not mostly, ALL of the sugar. Good thing your metabolism isn’t peaking anymore, and you don’t have crazy cravings for gourmet $6 Red Velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting and sprinkles… and a mocha would go great with that too! Oh… wait… No. Who cares! I’m having such a hard life right now. I earned this!

(‘scuse me while I go eat my tub of cookies & cream ice-cream in a dark room while binging Gilmore Girls for the fifth time.)

Twenty-One, Twenty-Two, Twenty-Three

The hormonal network is topsy-turvy right now, all the roads crisscrossing, with more traffic accidents than the 405 on a rainy day in LA during rush hour. Get out of my way! Hmmm, this might explain my occasional road rage. But is it really my fault if I’m surrounded by idiots who don’t know how to freaking drive?

Progesterone, the dominant hormone, peaks. Progesterone sensitizes our squishy grey matter to all things negative. This is to make sure we stay safe during a physiologically vulnerable season in the cycle. I’ll just say it, the ‘f’ word. Fertile. This is when we’re most fertile. Thus, we’re feeling a tad more fragile.

There was a study, a real live scientific study entitled “Women in the midluteal phase of the menstrual cycle have difficulty suppressing the processing of negative emotional stimuli.” No embellishment on my end, people. A bit wordy, but at least we’re getting to the point. So what does this mean? It means we’re sensitive to exclusion and isolation, which is nature’s way of making sure we go out, connect, stay around people, to increase the odds of, you know, furthering the human race.

Twenty-Four, Twenty-Five, Twenty-Six

Progesterone is technically a mood-regulating hormone, so you become extra sensitive to picking up on details and emotions. You know what that look really meant. Your woman’s intuition skyrockets and others side-eye you in awe at your supernatural level of perception.

Unfortunately, this rocket came with no parachute, and you’re in for a crash landing. You’re not as level-headed as you normally are when faced with negative vibes. You’re less understanding:

“wouldn’t she just grow up already?”

“I am NOT his mother.”

“Show a little consideration, why don’t you?”

It’s worth pointing out that while we may be less “level-headed,” our insights are not often incorrect. It’s just that during the rest of the time we’re better at biting our tongues, swallowing our concerns, and playing “Ms. Nice” and “Live and Let Live.” During this season, the fall, the pretty leaves are stripped bare, and we’re far more likely to confront, to bark, to call things as we see them: cracked. We’re not willing to put up with it anymore.

Twenty-Seven

Around now is when we give up on humanity. I’m starving all the time. The abs begin to groan, and because of progesterone the bowls slooooow down. So increase the fiber. Increase the colors on your plate. Do not increase butter and popcorn. Okay, fine, but for goodness' sake, throw a salad in there at some point. Protein. Don’t forget the protein, because you need to stock up on all the good bacteria you’re about to lose.

We retreat into our own company. Being alone is severely underrated. I don’t know who I’m protecting anymore: myself from everyone else, or everyone else from me. Depends on how this particular turning of the dial went. Either way, I retreat to a ledge on a mountainside. Decide I’m going to become a monk, embrace the ascetic lifestyle, and fill pages and pages of journal space, processing absolutely everything.

Twenty-Eight

I’m even-keeled, except when another wave of FOMO rocks my boat. But remember… people suck. Except the good ones, the kind ones that give you a smile and a huge even though they don’t know you’re dying inside. Except….

Except maybe they do…

The glimmer in the eye, the sympathetic nod when you mumble something about not feeling so great, about being at a “low ebb.”

Because it’s a sisterhood of tributes in the game for the survival of our species. A game with elimination rounds and unexpected turns of the dial, where alliances are broken, the body bruised and malnourished, the mind delirious with the surge and starvation of certain hormones…

They get it, they do: winter is coming.

Because they have all had their turn in—

Zero

The Hormone Games.

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